Before You Go
by Raberba girl
Summary: As Heero lies wounded and dying in the hospital, Duo and Relena struggle to cope with their grief. No slash. Re-posted.


Before You Go  
A Gundam Wing fanfic by Raberba girl

**A/N: This is...a _really_ old fic I've reluctantly decided to re-post. Not my best work, just so you know.**

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"I'm going for a walk," Duo said abruptly, grabbing his coat and walking out of the hospital.

The others watched him go, making no move to stop him. "I hope he'll be all right," Hilde said softly.

"Why do our tragedies always come at Christmas?" Quatre murmured, his heart aching.

It was snowing lightly, and the cold weather and cheerful decorations spoke of Christmas and joy. For Duo, however, it was only a reminder of what he was going to lose...again.

He halted when he came to an old church. For a long time he looked up at it. Then he slowly walked up to the door and pushed his way inside.

It was a small church, and empty - the evening service had long ended. Duo closed the door behind him and slowly walked down the center aisle.

For a long moment he stared at the figure of the Virgin and Christ child at the front of the church, then suddenly fell to his knees before it. His lips moved to speak, but there were no words to express the emotions that threatened to engulf him. Unbidden tears streamed down his cheeks, and before he knew it he was on the floor, crying his heart out into his arms, consumed by the feelings of grief and loss.

"Boys don't cry," he choked through his sobs, "Boys don't cry...." He paused, then suddenly burst out, "WHY?" He looked up and cried wildly to the statue, to the world, even to Heero, but mostly to God, "WHY?! Why do you have to take him from me?! Why do I keep losing the people I love? Why...."

He broke down completely and just sobbed, slumped at the figure's feet. His soul screamed in a language his mind could not give voice to, crying out for comfort and a different answer than the one he knew had been given to him. "I don't want to lose him...I can't _stand_ to lose him...I won't let you take him...." Gradually his sobs quieted, and he was perfectly still, listening as his breath slowly evened out.

Finally he looked up, into the eyes of the Virgin...those were dead eyes. Made of stone, blank and glassy - they weren't living. Yet somehow, he was comforted. He felt no different, inside or out, but the wild, desperate feelings had faded to a dull, throbbing ache.

He took a deep breath and pulled himself up, wiping the last traces of tears from his face, although his eyes still shone with grief and a glittering film from crying. "I'm sorry," he said softly, not knowing quite why. He turned to go, but then was seized by a sudden impulse.

Outside the church, he looked up for a moment, at the endless sea of stars winking coldly down at him. Yet there was comfort in them as well, knowing that the One who had created them all was even now watching over him. Then Solo's words, his voice, came back to him with sudden clarity, as if just spoken.

_"If we're ever in trouble, split and go to the bridge; we'll all meet up there."_ And then he was running, his feet taking him somewhere his mind did not remember. Behind him, four candles burned at the Virgin's feet, silently honoring his lost ones.

His feet pounded on the sidewalk and people stared as he ran past, but in his mind he was a child again, back up on the colony, running from the police, running to his receiving haven.

Panting a little, he stopped at the bridge, never mind that it wasn't the same one, and climbed down under it with briefly awakened childhood agility. Hiding himself deep in the shadows, he curled up, hugging his knees, shivering from the cold of both present and past.

'_Who are you waiting for? Who's going to come?'_ he asked himself reproachfully.

'_Solo and the others. This is our meeting place.'_

'_They're dead, all of them are dead. Why do you still wait for them? Why do you not let go?'_

'_Because...I can't.'_

'_Everyone dies, you know.'_

'_Yes....'_

In his mind, a boy scrambled up beside him, breathing hard from running. _"Hey. That was close, eh?"_

Duo nodded silently.

"_I'm glad none of us were caught. The others managed to escape, but they couldn't make it here."_

"I have to let you go, don't I, Solo," he said quietly to the boy. He slowly looked down at himself. He was no longer that small orphan boy on L2. He was a young man now, sitting under a bridge on Earth, while his friend lay dying.

He pulled his braid around and looked at it. Three strands, one for each he had lost: his shrine to their memory. He stood and walked back out, back into the fresh air, into the present. Slowly, he pulled off the elastic band binding them together and tugged them apart, until his hair was one shining mass. _'With this, I set you free. From now on, this is only a reminder of your love. Nothing more. I can no longer bind you to me. I must let you go.'_ His eyes filled again with tears and he whispered, "Heero...I have to let you go too, don't I...."

o.o.o.o.o

They looked up as Duo came in, mildly surprised at his mass of loosened hair.

"I want to talk to him," he said quietly to the nurse. She hesitated, but then nodded. He went in, shutting the door behind him. Heero lay in the hospital bed, eyes closed, breathing shallowly. He looked bad; even though his head was heavily bandaged, Duo could still see the blood seeping through. He pulled up a chair and sat down beside him, his heart aching.

"Heero," he said softly, "are you awake?" Heero made a small noise and struggled to open his eyes. Duo smiled, even as the tears welled back up in his own eyes. Just when he thought he couldn't cry anymore, too.

"I just wanted...before you go...." He bowed his head and murmured, "I just wanted to say how important you've been to me, Heero. I haven't been as good a friend as I could have been." He laughed. "And both of us know about all the stuff you've done to me, too." Heero's hand crept across the covers to squeeze Duo's fingers faintly. "But I wanted you to know...I would give anything, or do anything, to keep you from dying. I don't want to lose you."

"Duo," Heero whispered. "I don't...want to die...like this." He pulled in another breath of air. He had thought he was prepared for death. He thought he could handle it and accept it, but he had been expecting to be killed quickly in battle. Not slowly like this, where he could lie and think about what was coming, and what he would leave behind. Duo looked at him, his eyes shining brightly.

"Heero - I know you say you don't believe in God, and I thought I didn't, either, not really. But Heero, if we don't...what is there to believe in? What is there to receive us when we die, or comfort us when we're left behind? There has to be _something_ Heero...or else how could we go on living in the face of all that pain?"

Heero made a soft sound of agreement. His eyelids were heavy, though, and he could do no more. It was finished, anyway. There was nothing left to do or say.

Wiping his eyes, Duo stood up. "Heero," he said gently, "this is your last chance to tell Relena. She needs to hear it from you." Heero nodded weakly.

Duo went to the door, but then turned and looked at Heero one last time. "Goodbye, Heero," he whispered. Never before and never again would he say that farewell with such deep meaning. With it, he had released Heero's spirit from the cage of his own clinging fingers.

This time, he would let go at the beginning.

Back in the waiting room, he gently put his hand on Relena's shoulder. "He wants to talk to you." She looked up at him, half-afraid, but he squeezed her shoulder reassuringly. She took a deep breath, and got up to go into Heero's room.

Duo slumped into the chair she had vacated and buried his head in his hands. Hilde put her arms around him, trying to offer comfort in the only way she knew how.

All too soon, they heard wild sobbing from the room, and the nurse quickly hurried in and led Relena out, then disappeared to inform her superiors. Duo went to put his arm around her, and she collapsed against him as they cried together.

"Heero...Heero...he's gone...Duo, he's gone," she wept.

He held her tightly and whispered, "I know."

o.o.o.o.o

Duo watched the waves lapping gently at the riverbank as the sun set behind him. He huddled into his jacket, smiling faintly at the uncharacteristic white of his clothes. A shadow fell across him.

"Duo?" He turned to see Relena standing uncertainly behind him, hands tucked into the pockets of her jacket, silhouetted against the setting sun. She, like him, was also wearing white. "I...I didn't expect to find you," she started, but her voice trailed off. He smiled reassuringly and patted the ground beside him.

"Couldn't stand going to the funeral either?" he asked as she sat down gratefully. She nodded. For a moment they sat in silence, watching a few ducks drifting contentedly. Relena finally gave a great sigh and drew her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them.

"Funny," she said after a moment, "how the two of us who were closest to Heero should act like this. Not even going to his funeral...refusing to dress in mourning...." She lay her head on her arms, breathing hard as she fought to keep back tears.

Duo sighed. "I've always surrounded myself with death and darkness. I just thought that for Heero, I would try a different color. But black suits me. White is a pure color; you look much better it than I do."

Despite herself, Relena began to cry again, and Duo put his arm around her shoulders. "I couldn't stand to see him lying there," she sobbed. "I couldn't face all those people in black, trying to cheer me up! Oh Duo, just let me cry! I promised Heero I wouldn't cry, but it's the only thing in the world that I want to do right now!"

He smoothed back her hair and murmured, "Then cry, Relena." Twilight started to fall, and finally her tears stopped, until she was able to pull away and wipe her face.

"I'm sorry Duo," she apologized. "I shouldn't have lost control like that. It's just that you're the only person who would understand."

"It's okay," he said reassuringly. "I understand perfectly." They sat quietly together and looked out over the lake.

"Duo," she whispered finally, "what am I going to do without him?"

"Did he tell you?" he asked.

She nodded. "He loved me, Duo. He really did. But it's too late now."

"Relena." She looked up at him, and he put a hand on her shoulder. "He's never coming back. But you can't let that stop you from finding someone who will love you, someone you can love back. No one will ever take Heero's place, but one day there will be someone who will stand beside him in your heart. Don't cut yourself off from all love just from fear of losing someone again."

As he spoke, Duo thought of how Trowa had done that, and Wufei, even Heero. Duo himself, as well. He couldn't let Relena make the same mistake they had all made. "Let him go, Relena."

She nodded. "Thank you," she whispered.

Duo stood up and turned to find Hilde standing some distance away, waiting for him. He smiled. He hadn't heard her drive up. "Do you need a ride home?" he asked Relena.

She shook her head and stood up as well. "No. I-I think I'll stay here for a little bit longer. I need to be alone...I just need to think." He smiled and squeezed her shoulder, then went to Hilde.

When she heard the sound of the car fade into the distance, Relena turned back to the lake, her eyes on the sky, waiting for the first star to show itself. "Heero," she whispered, "I promised you I wouldn't cry, but I did. I know that compared to you, I'm just a silly, weak little girl with idealistic dreams. But even so, you loved me, and I will treasure that knowledge always."

For a long time she stood, just thinking. Finally, as she turned to leave, she thought, _'I'll never forget you, but I also promise that I won't let your loss consume me. I know you wouldn't like it if I wasted my life clinging to the past - so I'll move on and be happy. And I know that wherever you are, you'll be smiling along with me.'_

Author's Note: In case there's any confusion, Duo's lost ones are his original family, Solo and the street rats, and the people at Maxwell Church. The fourth candle is for Heero.

I seem to remember once reading a Gundam Wing fanfic with the idea of Duo's braid representing his dead loved ones. Unfortunately, it was so long ago that there is no way I could remember the title or author to give credit to.


End file.
